


Can You Use Frosting as Lube?

by LastQueenofMars



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Roommates, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-25
Updated: 2012-05-25
Packaged: 2017-11-06 00:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/412784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastQueenofMars/pseuds/LastQueenofMars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collections from my drabbles that basically revolve around middle aged/roommates Dirk Strider and Jane Crocker. Some are short, some have suggestive themes such as sex and things. Also? Dirk's kinda a porn star in this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So a Porn Star and a Baker Move in Together…

“Well I have an offer.” He says. You look at him as if he grew another head. “What?”

“I don’t accept offers from strangers.” You reply. You hope he’s joking.

“But you know me.”

Exactly, is what you open to say but instead you croak “What is your offer, Dirk?” He then proceeds to offer becoming your roommate. He’s been sleeping with his coworkers literally and figuratively. “I don’t think I can-I mean, I only have one room and the place is small enough and I don’t know, Dirk.”

“I can sleep with you.” He suggests. Your face must be red because he quickly adds “Or on the couch. It doesn’t matter.”

“But I don’t think-” he moves in close next to your ear. You feel his breath as he speaks.

“Look, Princess, you have a roommate who you're familiar with. You’ll have a harder time placing an ad.” He doesn’t move. He’s pretty big and people might get the wrong idea. About two people already recognized him and assumed you were a “fresh face.” You take a deep breath .

“Okay,” you squeak.


	2. Everyone Remembers When Billy and His Boner Came to Town

As you walk down the hallway, you hear laughing coming from your apartment. You instantly know it’s Jane. She’s probably with her little brother, who makes her laugh that loud. You unlock the door and see Jane with a red face and tears in her eyes and damn near rolling off the couch. What the fuck is so funny.

“Howdy, Puppet Boy!” She manages to say. Oh shit. She couldn’t have possibly found your latest work. Someone must have gave the production company Jane and your address.

“Jane, no. No, Jane. Fuck.” You mutter. She fans herself because she’s hot faced and then pats the space next to her. “Jane. No. Please don’t continue to watch this.”

“Don’t be a fuddy duddy. I couldn’t imagine a better day off than watching my best friend star in Rodeo Rumpus 2: Return of Plush Paul.” She grins and your heart almost stops. She had a way of doing that. You swear the brightness of it could light the whole city. She bats those long eyelashes of hers and you find yourself powerless. You sit next to her while she supresses her giggles. You facepalm as you watch yourself ride in on a fake horse wearing nothing but assless chaps. 

"Oh God." you mutter. Then the sex part comes on. Jane's amusement goes away pretty quickly. She blushes and looks away. You chuckle as she peeks back just as a close shot of your dick is on the screen. She squeals like a little school girl and hides in your shoulder. "What's the matter, Princess?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Because it looks like you're squeamish." now you're just fucking with her. 

"Shut up." she says, voice muffled in your arm. "I forgot."

"That it was porn? I don't see how that's possible, Jane."

"I was so wrapped up in embarrassing you that i forgot I'd be seeing-"

"My cock?" the movies interjects as if it was planned.

"Yes, that."

"Well, next time, you'll remember, won't you?" 

"Mmm-hmm." she whines.

"Want me to turn it off?"

"Please and thank you."


	3. Koalas Hang on Their Mom's Backs

You flop on to the couch. You are absolutely exhausted. You get up almost every day at four to get ready for work. You don’t come back until maybe seven or eight. And before you think about taking a bath and passing out, you have to make dinner so Strider doesn’t end up putting junk food in his mouth. He’s absolutely stubborn when it comes to his health. He insists that since he’s done it all his life, it’s fine. And he smokes and that cuts off about 10 years of his life.

You find yourself in what feels like a dreamless slumber. A pair of strong arms grabs you and lifts you up off the couch. You hold on for dear life (sleeping and falling never mix) as he carries you into your room. You hold on tighter. His warm body is so comfortable and you’ve grown familiar with his personal scent. “Jane. Let go.” He whispers.

“Mmm, no.” You mumble.

“C’mon, princess, you have to let go. Not young enough to let you get your koala on.”

“What? I thought you were a strapping young stallion ready for anything.”

“Anything but a woman who’s almost my age and close to my weight.”

“You know nothing about my-” he then puts you in bed and lays on top of you. You let out a yelp.

“You were saying?”

“My weight is none of your beeswax, thank you very much.” He’s between your legs and you grab on to him tighter.

“This is a very compromising position.”

“It is.”

“The baby making position.”

“It is indeed one of those positions.”

“Was this your plan, Janey? Are you trying to get my DNA? Are you craving my cock to fulfill your happy family fantasy?”

“Yes, Dirk. I planned this from the beginning. I wish to carry your child. I want you to make sweet love to me right now.” You say a little flatly. You let go of him. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say Dirk looks like he’s sporting a shiteating grin.

“Jane, this is all so sudden. If I woulda known-“

“Would you get off of me?” You flail. He chuckles and kisses your forehead. He gets up.

“Dirk?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you stay?”

“Sure, Princess.”


	4. I Have Become One of Those Perverts Your Parents Tell You to Avoid

You hear the soft hum of the vacuum outside your room. Damn, that sounds great. Your room. Your very own room. That couch was too small and you surprised Jane by finding and renting another apartment in the same building for you both. She asked if you had to have sex to get it. You decided to ignore the question and she didn’t press on about it. You thought it’d be fun if you streamed yourself dicking around. Of course, only perverse men (slim chance any women) look at your streams. Just as you’re about to put on a show for them, Jane glides in with a feather duster in hand wearing your boxer shorts (she must have pulled them from the dryer) and an old wife beater of yours. God, her timing is horrible.

“Dirk, could you please try to keep your room clean. I am not your personal maid.” You glance at the screen.

Akitsu69: she could be my maid. ;)

You groan. She assumes it’s because of her. “I’ll have you know that my nagging will save your life one day.” She pouts. You are hopelessly in love with the woman before you. You registered this fact sometime around the filming of MILF Magic 9. She bops you on the head to bring you out of your trance. “Hey!”

“Oh. Sorry, honey.” You say without noticing your term of endearment.

Dirtydanxxx: she’d look good covered in it. unless she’s ugly. Show us the face. HORRORSHOWZ: Let’s see her face!

Oh no. Just as the others chime in, Jane leans down to peer at the screen. You can see her cleavage and your face gets warm. Your stomach drops at the thought of all these geezers using your Jane to masturbate to. “What’s thi-oh my God.” A blush appears on her mocha toned face. She snaps upwards and covers her face in embarrassment. “If I would have. Fuck!” Her expletitive causes the men to go wild. You quickly turn off the stream before you both fall over dead.

“Jane, I am so sorry. I sometimes do these streams and I never got around to telling you and-” she places two fingers on your lips and shooshes you.

“It’s fine.” She says softly.

“But-“

“Shoosh. You just have to make it up to me.” You raise an eyebrow. “First, clean your goddamn room. Second, you have to help in the bakery.”

You nod. “Fine.” She leaves and you sigh with relief. Her head pops back in your doorway.

“Oh and by the way, dear, I wouldn’t mind being covered in honey.” She laughs and closes the door again.

Your cock has never been harder.


	5. Playing House

“Come on, sweetie. Down this hall.” You hold on to little Casey’s hand and lead her down it. You stop at the front door and pull out your cellphone.

GG: Are you busy?

TT: No. 

GG: Are you “entertaining company?”

TT: No.

 

GG: Are you naked or exposing any skin?

TT: Yes. My rock hard cock is jutting through my zipper. You got me.

GG: Dirk! >:(

TT: No, Nanna, I am fully decent. Why are you asking all these questions?

Before you can reply, he’s already opened the door. You smile sheepishly and wave. “Hey.”

“Crocker, you mind telling me what you’re doing with a little girl?”

“John and Rose are finally going on their honeymoon and I have to take care of little Casey.” She waves at him and Dirk does a half hearted one back.

“Aunt Bunny, is this the funny man daddy talks about?” She then places her thumb in her mouth. You remove her hand. Your family has an issue with thumb sucking turning into…dental fuckery.

“Yes. This is your Uncle Dirk.” Before anything else is said, you guide her and her suitcase in. “Now go and put your things in my room. The last door on the end of the hall. Hop to it.” She giggles and literally hops to your room.

“Jane, are you sure no one else can take care of her?”

“Everyone else is busy and plus, I’ve always wanted to have a child around.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Come on. It’s only a couple of days. They’ll be back next Thursday. It’ll be like we’re playing house!” He’s not buying it. You pull out the big guns. “Well, you know, when I used to play house, my significant other and I would sleep in the same bed.” Lie. You slept on a little mat in kindergarten. Nuances. Either way, you see his ears turn red.

“Okay, fine. I’ll stop bitching.” You put your finger on his mouth.

“Tsk, tsk. No bad words around our pretend daughter. Save it for when she’s asleep.” He smiles against your digit and grabs your hand.

“Can I play Mother May I later?” “We’ll see.” He kisses your hand and you giggle as his kisses trail up your arm and on to your cheek.

“Aunt Bunny! Look! I found a toy!” You both sprint towards your room.


	6. Ants on a Log Isn’t a Tasty Treat

“Let’s see what she left you.” You open the fridge and there on the top shelf is a plate of ants on log and a juice box. “Guess she made this for you, Caddy.”

“Casey!” She giggles. Her feet dangle as she sat in the large chair in the dining room (more like a dining area).

“Cathy?”

“Casey!” She’s thrown in a fit of laughter as you set the plate and juice in front of her. You can’t help but smile.

“Now eat up so I can say I took care of you to your aunt.” Jane was skeptical of going to work. You assured her that you’d take great care of her. You almost had to push her out the door.

“My mommy talks about you and Aunt Bunny.” What?

“Is that so?” She nods.

“She says that Auntie has co-flicted feelings. And she says it’s ‘cause you have a grown up job.” You’re absolutely speechless. “She also tells me stories. About a prince and he falls in love with a skull’ey maid but he can’t marry her.”

“Why is that?”

“Cause princes can’t marry anyone but a princess. I don’t think it’s fair because the maid is really nice and pretty.”

“So how does it end?”

“Mommy and Daddy says that there isn’t an ending yet.” She then finishes her lunch. You reach for the plate. “No, lemme do it.”

“Okay, Casey.” She smiles and then gets up and over to the sink. She stands on her toes to put it in. She sits on your lap.

“Daddy says you’re a movie star. Can I be in one of them?” You ignore her and take her into the living room to play.


	7. They Have an Awards Ceremony for That?

You're lounging on the couch. It’s a Sunday and you have the day to yourself. You snuggle deeper into the couch as you watch Bobby Flay grills a steak for-actually, you don’t know what he’s cooking; you just know you like the way he moves. Your mind then begins to wonder. What if he just threw you onto the counter and just-

“Hey, you wanna get out of the house tonight?” You get startled as you look up to see Dirk in a tux. He looks absolutely… amazing. A blush forms on your face. 

“Where are you going?” you squeak. You clear your throat and sit up.

“Awards show. So you wanna go?” He replies. You think for a moment. You wouldn’t mind going somewhere nice for a change.

“Sure. I’ll get ready.” You turn off the TV and hop up to go get changed.

\-------------------

Maybe you should have told her that it was an awards ceremony for porn. You should have told her. But you didn’t. Either way, it’s just an excuse to take her somewhere. And you tell her that when you’re inside. “Dirk, it’s really sweet that you wanted to be nice, but for God’s sakes.” Her face is completely red from embarrassment. She’s in a blue cocktail dress and she looks fucking sexy. No. She looks stunning. She looks radiant. When she first stepped out in that saucy little number, you tried to contain yourself from ripping it off of her and throwing her onto the couch and just-

“I’m sorry, babe. I should have told you. Look, we can go somewhere else if you want.” So you do. You take her to a small little restaurant. You offer her your jacket for coverage. As you slink into the booth in the corner of the restaurant and order your food, she scoots closer to you. 

“Much better.” she sighs. You wrap an arm around her and she gets even closer. You kiss her on the forehead and she lifts her head to kiss your chin. “You look really handsome tonight.” she purrs. It’s your turn to have a blush plastered to your face.

“You look beautiful always.” She scoffed.

“Please, for most of the week I’m covered i flour and when I’m not, I look like a hobo.” 

“Even when you think you don’t look beautiful, you do.” 

“You’re just being ironic or whatever.” You take off your shades and pull her to your face. You kiss her right on the lips. She’s startled by your gesture and pulls away.

“Dirk, what the?” she’s speaking in her “you better not be playing with me right now, Dirk, or else you can say goodbye to your dick” tone. You give her the “Jane, of all the things I have joked about, this is most certainly not one of them” look. “Dirk, I-” you pull her in for another kiss. She leans into it this time around. She pulls away again. ‘We’ll talk about this later.” you grab onto her so she doesn’t move again. In the heat of it, your tongues come into play. You rest a hand on her exposed leg. She doesn’t move it so you grab a hold of her ass. She squeaks in surprise and lets you grope away.

The rest of the night becomes a blur.


	8. He Helped Me Seal the Deal

“This is it!” You squeal. You two wait outside the office so you can get a loan for your new bakery. “Once I get this, I’ll have one foot in the door. I already found the perfect place too.” A wide smile is permanently attached to your face.

“You’ll knock em dead, Nanna. The only way you won’t get the loan is if he’s blind. You’re just too damn cute.” He ruffles your hair and you laugh. A young intern motions for you to go inside. You hop up like a jack rabbit and shuffle through the door while Dirk follows. The man who you see is at a desk and he looks a couple years younger than you. He stands up to shake your hand. He has a strong grip and moist hands. You discreetly wipe your hand on your lap.

“Hello, Mrs…”

“Ah, Miss Crocker. Hi.” You correct him. It’s probably because of Dirk he assumes you’re married. Couldn’t you imagine? You married to Dirk? You can’t lie, the idea has crossed your mind a couple of times. Speaking of which, where is he? Oh, he’s by the door.

“Of course. My mistake. Now I understand you are in want of a loan?”

“Yes, I’d like to start my own business. A bakery.” You make sure you smile enough to show your dimples. You even wore a skirt.

“I see. Now am I to understand that you are currently working?”

“Yes, and I’ve been saving what I can but it isn’t enough for the area I wanted so here I am.” You chuckle. He smiles graciously but you can tell you’re losing him.

“I’m sorry, Miss Crocker, but from the look of your finances, I don’t think you’re qualified for a loan.” Your smile fades.

“Please, Mr. Zahhak, ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of running my own bakery. I-I even have a sample, and an outline and everything else. I just nee-“

“I’m sorry but you aren’t qualified.” You feel tears well in your eyes. “Well, maybe we could give you something. I’ll have to run the numbers.” He gets up and leaves the office.

“Jane, I am gonna take a piss.”

“You really know how to be subtle.” You sigh. Dirk just shrugs and leaves.

 

As you walk out the building, you have a bounce in your step. “I can’t believe it! I got the loan.” Dirk just keeps in pace with you. He’s got a smirk going on.

“Congratulations, Princess, you’re a bonna fide businesswoman.” Your heart flutters when he says it.

“It’s kinda weird that you both left at the same time.” You stop and raise an eyebrow. You know exactly why you got the loan.

“It was.” A blush rises in his ears. You fold your arms and stare at him. You’ve gotten used to his “career,” but stunts like these still get to you. You swallow the lump in your throat and change the subject.

“Do you want to see it?”

“Huh?”

“The building I picked for my store.”

“Oh. Yeah.” You grab his arm and lead the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, he actually fucked the guy.


	9. Damn, This Place is a Mess

“Isn’t it something?” She’s standing in the middle of a dump. It’s pretty old; bits of glass everywhere, cracking wood. Frankly the last place you think she should open a bakery in. But you don’t lie you simply say

“It’s something alright.” You fold your arms. She flashes that world rocking smile again. She even laughs and your heart melts.

“Over there. That is where I’ll display the cupcakes. Ooh! Ooh! Here’s where the cash register’ll be. Oh, over here…” you watch as she scurries back and forth excitedly. What is it about her that has you going? You always become putty in her hands. You’ll go to hell and back for her. You’d do anything to see her smile. “Dirk?” She says gently. Her hands are on your shoulders.

“Huh?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, Nanna.”

“Good. Because I want you to help me design the place.” She kisses your neck and you almost go weak.

“You’re the boss, Jane. You always will be.”


	10. Now You're Thinking with Jane

You kick off your shoes as you get inside. You quickly notice two things. One, your apartment is practically dark and two, your roommate is sitting on your dining room table with a slice of cake and a couple of candles (those number shaped ones) stuck in it. “Dirk?”

“Happy Birthday, Princess.” You walk over to him.

“What’s all this?”

“Even though you didn’t want to celebrate your birthday, I did.”

“So you decideed to reinact Sixteen Candles?”

“Ironically and poorly.”

“Heh, right.” You climb up onto the table and sat across from him. You glance at the candles. “Did you have to put my real age?” You say deadpan.

“That just means you’re closer to mine. Oh, I also got you a present.” He reaches from behind and hands you a small box. He’s not going to…

“Is this what I think it is?” You squeak. He’s quiet and you open it and a blue ring is inside. You smile. “Then where’s the other one?” He holds up his left hand. He’s managed to put the orange one on his index finger even though he is wearing those gloves.

“It was either this or a smuppet.” He actually smiles and it makes you smile. “Make a wish.”

“I don’t need to when I already have everything I need.” You lean in to give him a kiss.


	11. Babies and the People Who Make Them

You take off your shoes as you sneak into the apartment. She’d flip her lid if she knew you were coming home this late. You place your shoes next to hers and your hat onto the little hat rack next to the door. You tiptoe onto the balcony to smoke. You pull out the pack. It’s empty and there is a small note inside in Jane’s handwriting.

You’ll thank me later.

<3 Jane

“Goddamnit, Jane.” You mutter. You love Jane but she can take drastic measures. As you step inside, you hear a thud. You rush to the source to find Jane tangled in her blankets and snoring softly. You smile slightly as you Pick her up and put her back into bed. As you turn to leave, you hear her roll off the bed again. This time when you pick her up, you Slide into bed with her. Why the hell not? She offered for you to sleep with her once (granted she was joking and your mind was in the gutter but still) so why not?

She groans softly and wiggles towards you. You hold her in your arms and fall asleep

The morning light wakes you up. Where are you? Oh yeah, Jane’s room. You prop yourself up on both elbows and just stare at the sleeping figure before you. She’s radiant. She looks so peaceful and innocent. You brush a strand of hair out of her face. She’s letting it grow again. You know she’ll give up and cut it. You two have known each other for so long. You both have grown so close over the years. You know what the other’s going to say before it’s said. You’ve fallen in love with her corny jokes, her silly pranks, her obsession to cooking and her face when she’s thinking.

“Are you watching me while I sleep again?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, stop. It’s creepy, dude.”

“Can’t help if you look pretty while you sleep.”

“Oh bother.”

“You’re not going to the bakery today?”

“Mmmm nope. I’m playing hooky. Ssssh. Don’t tell my boss.”

“I will.” You chuckle.

“Oh noo. Please mister. I’ll do anything you want.”

“Anything?”

“Yes.”

“Make me pancakes.”

“Maybe later.” She opens an eye. Your heart skips a beat. She looks at you. “Are you really quitting movies?”

“Mmm-hm.”

“Will you ever tell me why?”

“I wanna settle down.”

“Me too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I see John and his family and I get a bit jealous. I want to be a parent.” You let your mind wander. Jane as a mom. You can see it. She’d make lunches, cry on their first day of school, kiss boo boos. You feel yourself blushing at the thought of marrying her.

“You’ll be a wonderful mom.”

“Thanks. You wouldn’t be a bad dad either. You can father my children any day!” She giggles and kisses you on the cheek. You know she’s joking but it feels like she was serious. You decide not to press the conversation and let her sleep. She throws her legs and arms over you and you know she’s out. You pull her close and let yourself picture you and Jane as father and mother.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just me dicking around on my phone. Most of these are written from my phone. I started with a headcanon and then from there I just...wrote.


End file.
